'You can't be serious,
Tina.'
She looked at me solemnly.
'I'm serious, Simi. By now, you should know what my sexual orientation is.'
I was too surprised to
say a thing. I still kept away, staring at her. She stared back at me.
'But something tells me
you are just like me too,' she burst out.
I looked scandalized.
'That I'm what?'
'That you're not
straight; that you're a lesbian.'
'Oh, come on. Don't say
what you don't know!'
'Don't deny it, Simi.
I've known and worked with you for days. I've seen how you look at men
impassively; and I've seen how you look at beautiful ladies with interest. I’ve
seen the fascination look in your eyes when you look at me.'
My mouth felt dry.
'You're just making this up,' I said.
She chuckled. 'I'm not,
and you know it.'
I was breathing hard,
but didn't say anything.
She looked at me and
smiled. 'I saw you staring at my nakedness when I wanted to change clothes,'
she went on. ‘Specifically, you were staring at my boobs.’
I opened my mouth in
surprise. 'Oh, stop it. That doesn't mean a thing.'
‘But it does. You were
not just looking, you were ogling at them’. She smiled kindly. 'I know it's not
an easy thing to accept, but you can't keep on denying it. Okay, I'll cite
myself as example. This is my sexual orientation and I can't deny it. This is
what is natural to me and I've got to live with it. How long will you keep
living in self-denial?'
I didn't say a word. I
could not think of a word to say.
She sighed. 'Well, if
you're really 'straight' as you claim to be, and my sight is so repulsive to
you, tell me to leave this place. I can still go back to the hotel and sleep in
my office. So, if I'm wrong in saying you're what I said you are, Simi, tell me
to get out of your sight.'
I looked at her briefly
and shook my head. How I wished I could tell her she was preposterous, that her
claims were absurd. Unfortunately, I could not.
Some floods of memory came. At eighteen and a
fresher in the university, I was a very beautiful one that boys would not stop
pestering for a relationship. I found some of them amusing, but was never
sexually attracted to them. I found it amazing that the sexual arousal came
when I saw other beautiful female. No, I could not be a lesbian, I told myself.
How could I be?
I denied this essence
in my life and tried to talk and act as a normal female. No single soul knew
that my sexual orientation was different from what it seemed to be; not my
mother, not my sister. It was my guarded secret. Certain things I did might
however have given people some hints. For example, I hardly had boyfriends and
the relationships hardly lasted. Even then, the guys complained that I behaved
in a 'frigid' way. I didn't mind them and I didn't give a hoot if they left or
stayed.
But Tina seemed to have
read me perfectly. She had seen those things I did that gave me out. Was it
because she was not 'straight' herself?
I sighed again.
Tina would not stop
staring at me.
'Let me ask you some
questions,' she said. 'Did you have a girlfriend before? I'm not talking about
female friends. I'm talking about female lovers.'
I shook my head. 'No.'
She breathed in deeply.
'I can understand you. You want to continue the way you've been doing?'
It was my turn to sigh.
'I don't know.'
She nodded. 'What some
of us do is to pretend that all is normal, like you've been doing. Some went
ahead to have husband and children. Some however keep secret love and try to
enjoy themselves in their own ways. Our society does not help matters. Here,
same-sex marriage is criminalized while people look at us like we're outcasts.'
I nodded but said
nothing.
'You can carry on like
a 'straight' female, Simi. But you don't have to keep denying yourself of some
enjoyment. You can get yourself a secret lover, like I've been doing.'
'You have a
girlfriend?' I asked.
'I used to have, but
some months ago, she traveled to South Africa.'
I nodded, not knowing
what to say.
She smiled at me again.
'Let me take you as my secret love, Simi. It doesn't stop you from doing the
normal things, like being a beautiful lady, getting married and having
children.'
I hesitated. This was
the first time I would be coming face to face with a lady who showed
understanding to the feelings I had been suppressing for years.
'Give it a trial,' she
said. 'If you don't want it later, you can always stop it.'
I nodded as I thought
she had a point there.
She smiled, once more, at
me. 'You're just like a sweet, innocent girl. Don't worry, I promise to treat
you very right. I promise to show you the best of love and affection.'
She threw her arms wide open. 'Oh, Simi baby,
come over here.'
I still hesitated.
She stood up from the
bed and came to where I stood like a statue.
‘Oh, how sweet,
beautiful and innocent you are,’ she said.
Her right hand came to my cheek. Slowly, she
ran it down to my neck and my chest. I did not resist, but I could not
encourage her too. Rather, I closed my eyes. That gesture certainly encouraged
her. I felt her lips on mine. They were warm, moistened and tender. The
experience was electrifying.
Her kiss went on, while
her right hand continued to be busy on my boobs. I wasn’t a virgin, but it
seemed I was just about to have my first coital experience. I would not just
stand there and be impassive. Gingerly, almost tentatively, my right hand went
to her left boob. I touched and caressed it. I felt good. By the time her hand
went to my private part, I felt I was drifting in the cloud of ecstasy.
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